Cowardice
by Rivers and Roads
Summary: When I see you in public,I'll stick my hand inside of bag of things I haven't done since you left me and pull out a smile.


_****_A/N: Poem by Rudy Francisco. Check him out, seriously! Be forewarned, this chapter contains large amounts of angst.

* * *

_**You are sentenced with no punctuation**_

_**A kaleidoscope full of colors **_

_**That I don't remember learning in elementary school**_

_**Your voice is the sound that I've been looking for my entire life.** _

* * *

He leans his head onto his hands staring at the computer screen in front of him-blank. He's behind. This isn't the slightly behind where Paula never actually figures out though. No, this is the behind where he gets calls from Paula who's channeling the ex-wife side of their relationship.

He sighs and shuts the computer. It's useless.

He's about to get up and go to bed when he hears a knock on the outside of his bedroom door.

He sighs and calls out "Come in."

His expression softens when the face of his daughter appears.

"Hey, sweetheart," he says as he gets up from his seat, swinging an arm around her shoulder. Alexis's thin frame folds easily into his-years of practice at work.

They stay like that for a moment, breathing through the words that neither of them has the courage to pull out.

"Dad," Alexis begins after the pause.

She makes no move to pull back from her spot breathing into his shoulder, so he let's her stay, "Yes?"

"Are you okay?" Alexis asks after a moment.

He feels himself tense for a moment before pulling a hand up from her back and resting it on the top of her head like he used to when she would fall asleep in the car and he'd carry her from the parking garage, through the lobby, up the elevator, into their apartment, up the stairs, and into her bedroom.

"Of course," he replies, feeling a slight creeping guilt for the lie, "Why wouldn't I be?"

He feels her start to pull back and loosens his grip. She moves to sit on the corner of his desk, adding distance.

"Because I know you're not," Alexis says, "And I'm worried. So is Gram."

He rakes his hand through his hair, debating internally.

"I'm okay, pumpkin," he says.

When her face falls, he knows this was the wrong choice. Lying to his daughter is never the right choice. He wants to curse Kate Beckett for ever walking into his life. He wants to curse her for making him have to lie to his daughter. He's about to, but then he remembers that he's in love with her. Of course he's in love with her, because if he wasn't, this wouldn't hurt so badly.

As his mind is dissecting the conversation he's just had, Alexis stands up and heads for the door. As he's sinking back into his office chair, pretending to the both of them that there's a chance he's going to be able to write, she turns.

"Dad, is she really worth all of this?"

She doesn't wait to hear the answer.

Neither does he.

* * *

_**Your smile is the only sunrise worth setting my alarm clock early enough to see.**_

_**If I could, I would shape shift into the first thing you think about in the morning **_

_**so I can be reminded of how it feels to wake up next to you.**_

* * *

His face. That's what she sees when she wakes up from her nightmare. Well, that's what she sees when she wakes up from one nightmare and enters into another-the one that she can't wake up from because it's real. The nightmare where he doesn't love her.

The snide remarks, the glares, the absences, the other women. Those are her nightmares. Kate wonders for a moment when exactly the nightmares where a physical bullet ripped through her chest began to pale in comparison to the ones where he died or where he left.

She pushes back a strand of her hair and for a moment is reminded of when she woke up in that basement, her hand on his chest, his profile the first thing to filter through her vision.

For the longest time, that was supposed to be it. She knew, waking up next to him, that eventually they'd get there. Eventually his would be the face she would see when she rolled out of bed for the rest of her life.

One and done, right?

* * *

_**I love you with a **_ _**language that I don't fully understand,**_

_**In words that I haven't enough courage to forklift out of my chest**_

* * *

I love you, she thinks as she sits on the edge of her desk and stares at the murder board. He's been off talking with Ryan for the past couple of minutes-decisively ignoring her.

She finds it strange that the words crop up in her chest without any effort. Words that she could never say to him, that she needs to say to him. Three words that could bring him back to him.

Kate Beckett, the woman who could take a bullet to the chest and kick a bad guy's ass, a coward.

* * *

_**I hear that karma is vengeful and also a light sleeper,**_

_**So I have chosen to love you like this, quietly.**_

* * *

He's been with Ryan for the past few minutes, decisively not looking at her. He knows that if he dares to glance back, he may break. He didn't even think he could muster up the strength to come into the precinct today, but he needed to convince Alexis. Hell, he needed to convince himself that he was man enough to get out of bed and look at Kate Beckett without feeling like his entire heart had been crushed into oblivion.

So far he wasn't even sure if he'd managed to convince Alexis. As for not feeling like his heart was crushed, he'd definitely failed.

"Hey guys," she calls, her voice grating down slightly on his heart, "I may have found the link we need."

Ryan turns immediately and starts walking over to her.

"You coming, Castle?" he calls over his shoulder.

"Actually, I really should get home. I'm behind on writing, you know," he says.

Ryan just shrugs and Kate looks to the floor. He gathers up his coat and heads to the elevator, tossing a weighted "goodnight!" over his shoulder for good measure.

* * *

_**So I'll call your phone and hang up before it actually rings.**_

* * *

It' almost an impulse. When she hangs up with Ryan about their body that dropped, her first instinct is to call Castle. But she stops. She stares at his number, at his name, and finally at his smile, before clicking off the screen on her phone and dragging herself out of bed.

She's Kate Beckett, she doesn't need anyone, least of all a Rick Castle who waltzes into her life, steals her heart, and then steps back.

She's taken half a step before the illusion of independence has passed, leaving her in the wake of utter loneliness.

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

_**I'll write you letters that you'll never read.**_

* * *

_Dear Kate_, the letter reads. The cursor blinks, begging him for more, but he has nothing left to offer. The two words may be enough on their own though.

_Dear Kate, _he wants to say_, what was I to you? A joke?_

_ Dear Kate, what happened to 'third times a charm'?_

_ Dear Kate, I love you. How do I stop?_

* * *

_**When I see you in public,**_

_**I'll stick my hand inside of **_

_**A bag of things I haven't done since you've left me **_

_**And pull out a smile.**_

* * *

He comes in the next day, looking like he hasn't gotten any sleep. Kate figures its because he was out with another flight attendant. Another uncomplicated girl.

She drops the stapler and spills her coffee in the break room before he's even spoken to her. He's over talking with Espo while she musters up the courage to go out and act like a normal human being.

She's about to leave when suddenly he's on his way to the elevator; she can tell. He's leaving and it's the early morning. No coffee, no hello, he's already on his way out.

* * *

_**I'll say something like,**_

"_**Hello, it's nice to see you" **_

_**And I'll keep walking.**_

* * *

He's convinced it's better this way, come in and tell the boys he's taking some time off, then go. Of course they know. Esposito gave him those eyes-the creepy cop eyes that just know. He gave him the eyes that can spot a killer in a line up.

He's almost to the elevator (without seeing Kate, of course) when she suddenly stumbles out into his path, looking flustered.

"Hey, Beckett," he says, trying to maneuver around her before this just becomes ridiculous. He curses himself for thinking he could just fall out of love with this woman.

"Castle. Hi," she says, "Are you leaving?"

"Yeah," he says, still moving towards the elevator, "I've got a lot of writing to catch up on."

She nods.

"I guess I'll see you around then," she says.

He nods.

He's just pressed the button for the ground floor and heard the doors start to slide shut when suddenly they're popping back open.

Kate stands before him, eyes wide and shining, hand stopping the elevator door.

"Castle," she says, holding his eyes so intently it's impossible for him to tear his gaze away, "We need to talk."

* * *

**A/N: Should I continue or leave it here and full of angst? Let me know!**


End file.
